muckrakerrasure

hahahaha

2008-07-23T17:20:50Z

this is me when i suddenly realise i am existing---- hahaha

oh and this is me when i am fried with thought and overwhelmed:

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-07-23T12:13:00

2008-07-23T17:14:14Z

i did not get the job.

babbluh

2008-07-21T17:41:57Z

i am
in a little better mood today   beeecause,
i got a job i think.   (teacher assistant at a montessouri academy) it is full time 8-5 monday through friday.
but then i will be in my room from 8-5 on saturday and sunday--- working on this album.

so from 8-5 weekly i will not be thinking about the strange state of the world and all of it's organisms.
i'll be changing poopy pants and recording my songly soul spills.
oh and purchasing a mac computer i hope.

an appendage. a placenta on the back of my brain. and woah honesty is coming.

2008-07-21T03:14:30Z

anyway,
i am effin crazy.    i really need help.
ha.

i can't function properly like an adult.
i am an artist and that is all.

this is what i shall tell my counselor if i can afford to get one, and what ON earth will they do but prescribe me pills i wonder ?

anxiety has been nibbling holes. i cannot sleep at night.
i am constantly thinking about existence--- and the strange way that humans act/ (but are animals) and what the fuck is this,
and why won't the tv stop talking,
and why do the motors keep huffing,   and the buildings keep multiplying,
and the ones they love and the ones i love, can die and keep dying--- and i am going to die, and what will this be like?
and what is the purpose of this ?    i don't have any control and why am i wishing for this control ?

and why does god seem so very far away ?   brace yourselves tiny humans ! this is a large thing you are enduring.
you are knowing of your own demise--- and you are in pain and you are suffering, and you are   amongst incomprehensible beauty without the ability to understand it.   and you must leave it--- and them, all by yourself.   and no matter how much you know it, you do not know what is to come of your soul-- and what is a soul, and how may it function in an 'after life?'

i am lonely.    god ?

i wish i had a partner.   i sleep with the lights on, because i am afraid.     i sleep with the door open so i can see the hall.

there is a constant lump in my throat --- ( burp, it's gerd ) but it COULD be the unthinkable.
my muscles twitch.
i have strange health problems all the time.

i went to dig holes today in my back yard.
i tried to exercise to rid myself of the anxiety. i only had worse anxiety and a pounding heart.
i had to lay on grass and stare up at the pale blue endless sky --and hug my chest rubbing my arms furiously.
i need someone to just hold and hold and hold me real bad.
i have no pride.
i need to sleep .

i rant i rant and i rave and i flutter my arms about the air with no lifting,
the orange sun crash,
the feeling i am a shell.
i am a shell. i am a shell. i am but a shell.

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-07-16T13:54:00

2008-07-16T19:10:04Z

IT HAS RISEN !      beautiful, sweet, raining, inspiration.         ------- and a new feeling has manifested itself. oh woah ohwoah.

    i've been writing all morning and composing songs.   our house seems to be becoming a house of working artists.
i live with a wonderful painter who IS      um
phenomenally talented. while he is painting i am making instruments and recording songs, and writing lyrics.

the job search is slow. the economy is           lethargic.
but i thank       we'll make it.

oh oh and we tried to contact a spirit last night in our basement. we made a board.
here is the looks of it :

i thought it was silly.

and i laughed too much whilst the   summoning of   leah the ghost that was 'under' us.

it's a wonderful summer day for ripe midwestern cantaloupe. they're huge and smell sweet. dripping from your mouth.
one thing i do like about the region i am planted in at the moment,

fresh produce--- it is like the fruit from a type of heavenly vine.

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-07-12T00:28:00

2008-07-12T05:31:41Z

saturday morning--- means another pile of useless objects in the corner of my closet yardsalin for treasures with maw.

on another note, my roomate and i made a video.

2008-07-11T00:50:03Z

saving money and staying home has it's perks.

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-07-10T14:35:00

2008-07-10T19:49:32Z

the endless buzz of the cicadas here-- stir a strange energy in me.   it is lonely and restless.
midwest houses are run down.
the humidity is high.   weeds are choking the sidewalks.    people here are invariant and stagnate.
the gay community seems scorned down to obscure areas of town in dark smoky low lit shit holes. all of them drinking themselves into premature dwindling rot and despair.
if you are lucky, there are rednecks waiting for you in the dark, to squeal around the corner, and throw eggs or wet trash at you. yelling obscenities-- squalling into the night.

i must get out of here--- somehow. ive been saying it for years.
my savings twirled down the drain with my   sedentary foot.     however! i can finally start working again.
back to block one.

i need to do the thing i am supposed to do more than anything.

stringing myself all over states and countries. spilling out my soul onto the crowds.

instead i am stuck in the midwest right now, pre-occupied with death at age 23, and tears coming to my eyes when i hear thunder road under the static of the radio.

if there is a deity--- i make a wish it would hear me.

hear me, hear me!     a silly sad little soul--

i do have happier things to talk about,
tonight ?        tomorrow---- tomorrow afternoon ?

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-07-06T13:11:00

2008-07-06T18:13:05Z

strange things happening! luna, luna !

i do love this:

2008-07-04T23:32:02Z

A Letter from Under The Sea
by Nizar Qabbani

if you are my friend...
help me...to leave you
or if you are my lover...
help me...so I can be healed of you...
if I knew....
that the ocean was very deep...I would not have swam...
if I knew...how I would end,
i would not have begun

i desire you...so teach me not to desire
teach me...
how to cut the roots of your love from the depths
teach me...
how tears may die in the eyes
and love may commit suicide

if you are prophet,
cleanse me from this spell
deliver me from this atheism...
your love is like atheism...so purify me from this atheism

if you are strong
rescue me from this ocean
for I don't know how to swim
the blue waves...in your eyes
drag me...to the depths
blue...
blue...
nothing but the color blue
and I have no experience
in love...and no boat...

if I am dear to you
then take my hand
for I am filled with desire...from my
head to my feet

i am breathing under water!
i am drowning...
drowning...
drowning

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-07-02T14:28:00

2008-07-02T19:55:29Z

i was thinking,
since language is the material we use in our thought processes to articulate feelings, emotions, yada yada,
and other humans did make up the language that we use for creative/ emotional expression and effective communication
did humans formulate their own beings?

maybe i did not explain it well.

lunch at hardees with roomate

2008-07-01T04:54:35Z

and there's nothing like two people with the runs,
and only one bathroom.

odd morning.

2008-06-30T16:12:16Z

when she cries, there is a high pitched noise that starts in the pith of my belly.
and then there is the dolor sound of heavy rushing.
how could i care for someone so much ?

i wish i could explain the circumstance.

i noticed on the drive home this morning, there were a swad of violets growing over
a pale bunch of dead limsy weeds.
they reminded me of something.

i do need a place to be free.

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-06-29T16:13:00

2008-06-29T21:20:35Z

windblown. convertible day--- and that early sun shone and shone and shone.

wild days

2008-06-27T19:09:48Z

what things come to mind:

i was cutting the tiny heads off of chamomile flowers and putting them into a wicker basket,----

dirt caked on my ankles-- i tilled the weeds in between the beds of lettuce. the ripe smell of wet dirt.
Nico played in a puddle with his trousers rolled up under the stick fort in the middle of the garden.
he's four years a beautiful grand span.

it was a good opportunity to think about my time.

i did think about my time. --------- my heart palpitated.

i've been off work with a bum foot-- i tore ligaments in my ankle one night when i was too drunk to stand up.
eight weeks later, it is still swelling, but i can walk with no aid and go about every day things.

i've been home working on composing, editing lyrics, staking tomatoes--- cutting back on caffeine.
i have not had so much as a drop of alcohol for weeks.

one day i went to a jail and protested with my guitar. a few of my friends got arrested at a tree sit--
to stop the construction of i-69. it was there on the national news for a while.
since then some strange things have been going on in my town. the noted 'hippies' are being watched.

a woman chased me down in the grocery store a few weeks ago that
i did not know and asked me to sign my picture in a magazine. i did sign it.
    i took a breath then, put some eggs in my cart,
and went on my way.

i am always falling in and out of mad love-- depending on the day or time.
   i am entranced.     or     a basket of apples.


i wonder how the rest of you are !
especially focaultonacid and kiik.

ohhhh.

and the sun tags on down behind the hills.
turns them black.

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-06-25T10:12:00

2008-06-25T15:13:24Z

i shall start writing again ! for the sake of mental health !

lou reed said :

2008-05-28T22:22:43Z

"a life spent listening to assholes, it's funny but it's true ."

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-04-15T17:53:00

2008-04-15T22:54:01Z

what do you do with yourself in the world if you are crazy ?

spurring.

2008-04-12T23:16:57Z

it's the beginning of april, when the cold still sticks to you like a thin rod . on a day preceding a storm,
the white blooms are
bursting out from defiled and heavy pewter skies.
the wind is mad--
and the cows spot the hillsides,
lie down for the rain

there are pedals straggling out my window.
furious and snowing.

..but i am drooling over the gorgeous sparrow. it's wings tucked
to the shape of a gray bud,
carried and exalted by april breezes ,
it dives in every direction with such haughtiness.

a star so presumptuous of it's audience,

...the arrogant little prig.

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-04-04T09:11:00

2008-04-04T14:13:55Z

this ad is so creepy .

i don't know why they give me anxiety attacks . this one is especially foul:

dreary face

2008-04-02T20:17:10Z

i know we are all veterans of the world and it's things ,
but i am so awfully tired of being disappointed .

i'm in a magazine

2008-03-30T23:15:11Z

my mom showed it to everyone. everywhere we went today .

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-03-29T18:10:00

2008-03-29T23:10:34Z

i am much too shy .

way to perfectly describe a mood.

2008-03-25T22:56:53Z

click the little play thang at the bottom to listen to the track.

lyyyrics :
Oh, I won't back down

No, I won't back down

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No, I won't back down

Won't be turned around

In a world that keeps pushing me around

Gonna stand my ground

And I won't back down

I won't back down, baby

There ain't no easy way out

I will stand my ground

And I won't back down

Cause I know what's right

I've got just one life

In a world that keeps dragging me down

Gonna stand my ground

And I won't back down

Hey, baby

There ain't no easy way out

Hey, ah, I will stand my ground

And I won't back down

No, I won't back down

muckrakerrasure @ 2008-02-17T13:31:00

2008-02-17T19:32:01Z

i ii ii ii i i can't get lost .